"Shitty shit fuck, you fucking piece of sheer rock," She paused a moment to brush aside the tawny locks that clung across her brow, stuck fast with sweat. "Fucking ass shit hair, I'll piss on your dog!" Her muscles screamed and blood pumped like lava. "And fuck you too, blood!" She didn't mean it. Blood was her bff. Despite her protestations, she ascended the forbidding crags with unnatural agility and ease. The bloodthirsty creatures on her trail were the real cause of her vitriol.
Several Lizardmen, hot in pursuit were a short distance below and gaining. They hissed and growled as they ascended after their prey.
"Sshitty sshit fuck, thesse fucking warmbloodss alwayss make thingss hard!" said one in Lizardtongue.
"And look! Sshe sstopped to fix her hair! Ssuch vain creaturess!" spat another.
"Hey, now. Nothing wrong with a girl wanting to look fabulouss before sshe diess." Said a third Lizardman, wearing a gaudy feathered headdress and sequinned loincloth. The others laughed.
"Oh Tony, you're alwayss sso…delightful," remarked the lead Lizardm'n as a rock sailed past his head and splattered the face of another just below him. The rest hugged the cliff as the body fell; catching one more reptilian on the way and sending him Wilhelm-screaming into the jungle below.
The brown-haired barbarian laughed and made a rude gesture at her pursuers.
"Suck a ghoul's leprous ding-dong!" She mocked before making a final push to crest the top of the cliff.
The angered Lizardmen hunters scrambled up after her. The first one to scale the cliff was rewarded with his own rock to the face and a free trip through the tree canopy. The rest grouped together and swarmed up and over. A rustle in the bushes indicated the direction their prey had run. Readying spears, they followed.
They came to a small clearing. Facing them was the ferocious female, clothed in hide and furs, brandishing a thick tree branch. Her legs were braced, lips curled, eyes smouldering like a cornered she-wolf. Behind her the plateau ended abruptly in another deadly drop. Evidently there was no means of escape, so she had turned to meet her end with fangs bared and claws extended.
"Pinkssskin," croaked the leading Lizard in a broken river folk dialect. "Tell me your name, sso that our priesst can properly ssend your ssoul to Yakthaka on the altar of ssacrifice."
"Heh," snorted the wild-eyed northern warrior "You can tell Yakthaka yourself when I - Faolain of Clachad - send you to him."
"Oh daaaaaaaaaaamn!" called Tony from the back of the group, "Stone. Cold."
"Hey!" snarled the Lizardman, "Whosse sside are you on, Tony?"
"Herss now, if you're too much of a fuckboy to top that harssh diss," sassed Tony. The Lizardman sighed and turned back to Faolain.
"Uhhh…" He stammered, trying to think of a suitable comeback. "Not if I kill you firsst?"
Tony imitated a fog horn while the rest of the hunters shook their heads in disappointment.
"Fine," Said the Lizardman, defeated. "Fuck it. Jusst get her!" He shouted and they immediately leapt upon their prey.
---
Faolain awoke with a pounding headache made worse by the rhythmic beating of drums in the distance. She hung from a log - carried between two Lizardman hunters - bound at the wrists and ankles. Looking around, she saw primitive huts on either side. Ahead, a large stone ziggurat loomed, the peak of which stood just above the line of the tall jungle trees.
Lizardchildren scampered about, laughing, hurling insults and stones at the wildwoman. Faolain spat and cursed at them like a rabid hound in response. They started crying and one even peed himself. The lizard men put Faolain down a moment. One set her upright as the other gave her a brutal slug to the jaw. She spat out a glob of blood, grinned fiendishly and laughed at her captors. They tried not to cry but one peed himself. The lizard children stopped crying and began laughing and taunting peepants lizard guard; calling him "peepants Jeff". They weren't very inventive. The other lizard man shooed the children off and consoled his friend. Touching piano began to play.
"Don't worry Jeff. I involuntarily sshit mysself when I orgassm." Said the lizard man, rubbing peepants Jeff's shoulders.
"Uhh…" replied Jeff, clearly weirded out.
"And ssometimes, when I'm taking a sshit, I get a boner." continued the oversharing lizardman.
"Okay, I think I'm fine now, Kyle." said Jeff, trying to end the awkward bonding session.
"And you know you gotta jerk that boner out. Can't go walking around with a hardon," continued Kyle unabated.
"Yep. Tearss gone. Massculinity resstored. Let'ss get going…" urged Jeff, standing up and dusting himself off.
"And ssince, you know…completing makes me poop," added Jeff in a weirdly hushed tone as if he hadn't been talking about shitting and jerking off this entire time. "and poopin' givess me a boner…" murmured Kyle, connecting the dots.
"Sstop. Sstop Kyle. Sstop now pleasse." said the completely ignored Jeff.
"I jusst gotta keep jerkin' and poopin' until I passs out from dehydration in a pool of sshitty jizz," The two stared at each other in silence a few moments. "Bodiess are weird, huh? Good talk, peepantss. Let'ss go."
They came to a plaza before the ziggurat. Faolain was cut loose and thrust into a wicker cage of jungle vines and branches. She scrambled to her feet and launched herself outwards. The two lizard man guards were prepared and wrestled her back in, closing the cage fast. Clutching at the bars, Faolain rattled the cage and raged at her predicament, the lizardmen, Kormm, the earthen ground, the wind, happy couples, a bird, an irritating itch that was just out of reach, the establishment, civilisation in general, lack of a sword, puppies, and so on until she was spent.
Panting and leaning against the cage, Faolain surveyed the surroundings. The reptile tribe were gathering and dancing at the foot of the moss and vine covered ziggurat. Sweaty scaled bodies thrusted erotically under the lusty light of the sexy setting sun. The drums beat a hot latin rhythm that made hips move with minds of their own in a pantomime of safe-for-work sexy sex thrusts. Shit was so hot Faolain had to fan herself like she was in a 90's Diet Coke commercial.
A voice called down from a platform halfway up the ziggurat. A lizardman priest in fine robes stood behind an altar. In one hand he wielded a wicked curved dagger and in the other, a skull sized glittering blue and amber jewel. He chanted, swayed and moaned in exultation over a human figure tied down to the altar.
Wearing naught but golden armlets, matching anklet and a white semi-transparent silken loincloth, the boy struggled against his bindings. The token gesture of clothing showed a great view of supple young side-sack as he writhed about on the altar - glistening alabaster skin turning a sultry shade of pink from the exertion. Faolain couldn't help but pop a ladyboner at the helpless cliche reversal of sexual objectification. Her barbarian blood surged and spurred her to action. She watched her guards like a hawk, ready to take advantage of any opening to escape.
"And so we shall ssacrifice this pink-sskinned devil to Yakthaka," yelled the lizardman priest down from his platform. "And Yakthaka will drink of itss dissgussting inferior warm blood." He continued in a racially insensitive manner.
"And thiss sshall ssate him and he will not eat uss and will guide our hunterss and give uss good weather and fertile women and help uss conquer other tribess and not eat uss and provide affordable health care and lower taxess and upgrade infrasstructure and hopefully not eat uss. So it wass for our ancestorss and sso it sshall alwayss be until we fuck up and he eatss uss. It iss a good ssystem of government and hass worked sso far."
The crowd yelled "Pleasse don't eat uss!" in unison and resumed their sexy dancing.
As the sun began to set, the drumming and dancing became more intense. Loincloths were flying and lizard people just started totally fuckin' in the streets.
"Hey boyyyyyss!" Cooed Tony the Lizardman at the guards. "Why don't you join in?"
The guards looked at each other.
"You go ahead Jeff," said Kyle. "I jusst like to watch and jerk it."
"You're one crazy ssex pervert, Kyle." Replied the other as he doffed his loincloth and waded into the scaly street orgy.
Now was her chance. As Kyle fiddled his lizardjunk, Faolain struck her arms through the bars and pulled him in. She wrapped her steely forearm around his neck and began to choke the sex fiend.
"Jusst…a…little…more," he gasped through a crushed windpipe. "I'm about to complete…" he said, as he completed. And as he completed, a foul stench of poo-poo struck Faolain's nostrils.
"Oh, fucking gross!" said Faolain in disgust. She reached down to the lizard man's waist and pulled a bone dirk free from its scabbard, then proceeded to furiously stab the wretched shitting pervert.
"Ow! Sstop! Casshewss!" Kyle wheezed as he tried to say his safe word, but it was too late.
Everyone else was too busy gettin' busy to notice what was happening in the twilight gloom. Later, some lizardfolk would happen across his corpse - dick in hand, lying in a puddle of blood, jizz and shit - and point and laugh. Kyle Shitgasm would become a schoolyard taunt for generations to come.
---
"Quiet, femboy!" Hissed the lizardpriest. "Ssoon the ssun will sset and the Dragon'ss eye will ssup of your warm blood."
"Aieeee!" wailed the virginal young man as he wriggled and a busomy testicle popped free of his loincloth.
"Won't somebody save me?" Cried the helpless lad.
At that moment, Faolain heaved herself up onto the ziggurat's platform, dagger in teeth, blood dripping from red stained hands.
"I'm here to take your cool gem, sweet robes and hot fuckboy." She growled at the lizardpriest.
"Augh! How did you esscape?" Shrieked the reptilem'n in response. "No matter. The ssun has sset and I'll ssacrifice you both to Yakthaka!"
The priest plunged his dagger downward towards the hysterical damselboy, but Faolain struck with the speed of a viper. She sent her bone dagger through the priests hand.
"Ahhh, geez!" Cried the priest, sucking in air. "Ahhh. Fuuuuck."
Without thinking, he dropped his blade and the glittering gem to clutch at his punctured claw.
The Dragon's Eye dropped to the ground and rolled off the edge of the platform. The three watched in stunned silence as it bounced down each of the ziggurat's massive stepped blocks, cracking with each impact.
"Ssssssssshit..." Stated the lizardpriest. He hiked up his robes and fled the scene. "Good luck, asssholes!" He added, "See you in lizard hell!" as his voice trailed off.
Presently there came a rumbling. Followed by a bestial roar. Faolain was working on the boy's bindings as Yakthaka began to emerge from his prison amgonst the mating lizard people. After a few frantic moments, Faolain released the young man and pulled him down behind the altar, causing his willy to slide out the side of his loinwear.
"Wait here," she said. "I'm gonna watch these losers eat shit" and crawled towards the edge of the platform.
In the plaza below, a great black mist had formed around the Dragon's Eye. Most of the lizardman villagers had stopped their hot bone sesh to stare dumbstruck at the mist. The rest were still so into it they didn't even notice.
Faolain squinted; Shapes were beginning to coalesce in the mist. Horrible forms from the world's lost primordial aeons, too fantastic for this lazy author to describe. Dim memories of blasphemous horrors from beyond the pits of hell taunted at the back of Faolain's primate subconscious.
"Fuckin. Cool." whispered Faolain to herself as the damsel threw himself upon her in hysterical fright.
"Ohhhhh, this is awful!" He cried, "How will we escape this dreadful creature of gnashing teeth and hook'd claws? My heart surely cannot take much more of this!" He squirmed and rubbed his supple young body against Faolain's leg as he waxed melodramatic.
"Quiet, boy-wench!" Faolain hissed, "Your insipid puling is like to reveal us."
The boy shrank back and pouted as a testicle popped loose again.
Meanwhile, the gathering of lizard people had turned into a bloodbath. Yakthaka moved amongst the expanding mist with the speed of a panther, ripping and rending lizard flesh indiscriminately. Faolain saw a couple still in a sex fugue explode into a confetti of gore and giblets. She couldn't help but pop a barbarian boner. The massacre below was igniting her wildling bloodlust.
"Fuck it. I gotta fight this thing. Wait here while I kick it's 700 teeth in." Said Faolain.
The damselm'n fainted for no reason.
With bone dirk in one hand and sacrificial dagger in the other, the she-asskicker bounded down the ziggurat's steps and waded into the thick black fog. Faolain couldn't see a ding dang thang. Guided by her barbarian instinct and the screams of the dying, she punched, stabbed, choke-slammed and bicycle kicked her way to Yakthaka.
"I'm going to kill you now" Stated Faolain in the frank manner of her people. "It's nothing personal," she added. "It's just badass."
"Oh daaaaaaaaaaamn!" called Tony from the clutches of the ravening hellspawn, his lower body missing and gushing blood, "I told y'all sshe was sstone cold!", he said before being lowered into one of the godling's gaping maws. As the mouth chewed and crunched bone, Yakthaka spoke out of some other orifice. The words came in an infernal tongue that would rend the mind of any normal person to hear, but Faolain was of the hardy cragsmen of Clachad, whose brains were chiseled from stone and therefore impervious to most forms of magic, hypnotism, daemonic manipulations and eldritch mind fucking.
"I don't know what the tits you just said" yelled Faolain. "I don't speak ugly motherfucker!"
"Ssweet disss!" gargled the hype-lizard from within some noisome gullet.
Without any attempt at overcoming the language barrier, Faolain and Yakthaka proceeded to fight. The lizard god enveloped Faolain completely, clawing punching and biting from all directions.
"Ha ha ha!" laughed the barbarienne gleefully as she dodged swiping claws, "You just give me more angles to kill you from!"
Faolain was a whirlwind of fuck-you-up; Stabbing, ripping, tearing, biting, eye-gouging, dick kicking, German suplexing, reverse German suplexing, Boston reacharounding and ear flicking.
The battle raged on for seventeen hours, with ten minute breaks every two hours for occupational health and safety reasons. Finally, the victor stood over a bloodied, mangled mess that used to be Yakthaka and teabagged it for several minutes, which was customary for her clan.
Afterward, she went over to the sexy damsel - who had woken up and fainted several more times during the battle - took him in her slashed and bleeding arms and lustily kissed his pouty crimson lips.
"By Kormm!" She exclaimed with a hearty laugh "I'm covered in blood but my foes are brought low. I have a boy with lips like wine and an ass like woah. All I need now is a tankard of ale and a horse to carry me home!"
And then Faolain sexually assaulted the young man.
